Thursday, April 20, 2006
you know how it is when you get something you dont really expect and the first thing you say to yourself is "this cant be true. something must be wrong." well that's how i felt when i checked my mail yesterday and saw this clause:"with research scholarship subject to 2nd upper honours"
well i still dont believe its true. something must be wrong. but of course i'm hoping nothing is. will be keeping my fingers crossed until i get it in hard copy.
anyway, yesterday was a depressing day (aside for when i checked my email) not because anything happened to be, but because of the stuff that was making its way through my retina and into my brain. i think discovery channel and national geographic should call tuesdays, depressing tuesdays. well it wasnt that bad. all i watched was 2 different episodes of air crash investivation, 2 episodes of seconds from disaster, 1 on 911, another show about how this mother apparently kill her kids for fiscal reasons, an show called "i shouldnt be alive", etc. but it was quite an entertaining watch, not in the sense of being enjoyable, but it was kind of thought provoking. then someone said something with, as usual, got my hyperreactive brain working in overdrive.
"what is heroism?"
what makes a hero a hero and what drives a hero on to do the things he or she does. and mroe interestingly, i question what i would have done in a situation like that. if i were caught on the 90th floor of the wtc when the plane sliced through in during 911, would i run fthrough each floor, methodically searching for people who might be still alive, and bringing them to the emergency stairwell only leave them on their journy down as i proceeded to the next floor to do the same? would i sit at the helm of a train radioing for my passengers to leave and evacuate the train as i look and stare straight in front, looking at another train race towards me? to me, under these normal circumstances, i would not need to flinch before saying no. but these arent normal circumstances are they, and how i would react, i pray i would never need to find out. but it was interesting that one of the survivors of 911 who had met his "saviour" face to face in the stairwell briefly, never to see him again, had, with glisterning eyes said that perhaps this act of heroism could be a result of fear, of extreme fear. it goes beyond the point of paralysis and you feel like "what the heck" and then you go on to prevent as many people as possible from feeling the same fear you feel. perhaps it is sort of a fatalist mechanism. they feel that well, since theyre going to go anyway, they might as well try to give as many people the chance of life. whatever the reason, it is instinctive. one does not train to do things like that, neither does one learn it.
perhaps it has something to do with evolution as well. some intricate wirinig of our system that dictates this sacrificial behaviour. in the wild, mothers defend their children till the death even if it means sacrificing their lives to ensure theyre cubs. perhaps some of us have evolved to the point where blood ties no longer matters in situations like these. where we are no longer of black or white, but one as a whole species. and this innate, latent behaviour is only activated seconds before we depart. perhaps we have over the years developed a technique of producing a crucial cocktail of adrenaline and other chemicals during these trying situations that causes us to react almost recklessly. whatever the causes, their selfless acts have touched other peoples lives in the most profound way possible. sometimes when we look at all that is going around in the world, all the killings and the bloodshed, the world does look bleak and empty. but it is heartening to know that in these times of crisis, there are people who do not seperate the weak from the strong, the faithful from the faithless, the rich from the poor, and who see all humans as equals be they black or white, be they healthy or sick, be they male or female, seeing everyone as being equally in need of their help. and by sacrifing their lives for absolute strangers, they break through the barrier of categorising and classifying people that we impose on ourselves simply out of fear. it is funny huh, that fear being the cause of alot of the problems in the world now, could in its own right, be the very thing that saves us from itself.
ahhh. ok i sense that i am drifting again. and i dont have a habit of proof reading my entries. so, just treat it like i've been totally incoherent and ignore wahtever parts you think i've stared to go totally off. haha! anyway roon! be strong ya! and good luck to the DOCTORS who are starting work soon! remember the dinners i should be getting when you get your first paychecks. HA!!
{12:16 AM}
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Monday, April 17, 2006
its 5 and i cant seem to get any more sleep. i think ive been sleeping way too much this past weekend, following the fantastic stayover. it's just nice to hang out and chat and do silly things with your friends every now and then. to totally forget that you are actually someone with something to do in a weeks time or that you are someone with problems yet to be resolved. if only things could remain more or less like that for an extended period of time.anyway, after waking up from a hilarious dream about taking an mcq exam where the answers were mistakenly highlighted on the question paper (details omitted), i decided to surf around a bit. went to the "beyong tomorrow" website. it's australian. looking at the profiles of the presenters, they have a national sprinter, a physicist, a practising GP (haha that sounds funny if you read the fully meaning of GP instead of just GeePee), a senior zoo keeper who has worked extensively in Africa, and a full time news station presenter. very diverse backgrounds suitable each for covering their own areas of speciality. so there goes my dream of hosting such a show. haha! who needs a math grad? oh well.
just went to take a shower. yes it's like 5 plus in the morning. but amazing how a hot shower feels on a cold morning like this. it (minus the word "hot") reminds me of ocs actually, the getting up early to do 5bx or 5b-ex whichever seems more appropriate. and the breakfast (i'm having blueberry morning now) followed by the showering. all in preperation for the full day of activities ahead. it was a good life. not good in the sense of luxury nor pleasure but good healthwise. of course if you do it 5 days in a row, it tends to get a little tiring. i like this sleep by 9 rise by 5 theory. you get sufficient sleep and the morning shower and atmosphere provides you with enough energy to last the day! but alas. to sleep at 9 would mean sacrificing alot of things. 9-12 at night would very much be my socialising time. time to log on to msn messanger to catch up with friends, to gossip about the latest happenings or to arrange coming chill-out sessions. so really it's either that or sleeping and waking up early. it's a no-brainer for me now, but i cant say what i'd choose in the future.
oh well. another not so exciting week for me. hope mr/ms mailman/mailwoman brings good news today. HA!! ciao!
{5:29 AM}
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Thursday, April 13, 2006
i cannot believe it. only 1 more paper to go before i finish my undergraduate days. and this time without any uncertaintity. just had my japanese oral test yesterday. it was perhaps the most stressful test i've ever taken because of the quantity of infomation that you are required to remember. english oral exams were always fun for me. i looked forward to every single practise session and even the exams because i just love speaking in a formal context. mandarin oral exams were not exactly my cup of tea, but you know, after having grown up in an enviroment where you really do hear it on television 50% of the time, it doesnt become that daunting. french oral exams lie somewhere in between these 2. whilst getting all nervous knowing my mastery of the language (or rather lack thereof), i guess it was also fun to go for the exams because it allowed you freedom of expression based on what you can remember and what you would like to say. japanese on the other hand, required that i memorise some 1000 plus words in addition to studying the grammar. and the scary part is that we all knew that these mere 1000 words would be all that we needed to ace the exams!i guess some people might be wondering if this makes any sense at all. i mean throughout of schooling lives, we've always hounded teachers for hints for coming tests or seeking their aid in 'spotting' question for exams. we prefer to know what will come out and what will definately not come out. we like being told where we can play and the places that are out of bounce. we prefer the certainty of being enclosed within a definite sphere of certaintity rather than let loose upon a plane of uncertainty. so why would i find french oral tests so much less stressful than japanese tests when the oral exams for french do not really have a fixed boundary?
i guess the only real convincing answer i can provide, is that with a fixed boundary, you KNOW that the treasure is burried within that certain area. you and everyone else looking for it KNOWS that there are only a limited number of possibilities for its location. as so, with our highly competitive instincts, we (or at least i) become more flustered in our search, knowing that every unsuccessful attempt could very well spell defeat. that's how i see japanese. everyone knows what to do for the exam and you need to be able to perfect that well enough in order to stand out amongst the rest. this certainly adds to mounting pressure on already heavy backs. french on the other hand, is akin to searching of the X over a vast unrestricted plane. the oral exams are very much limited to how much you know and what you can remember. so in that sense, i guess the fatalist in me helps to relive the pressure exerted upon by my natural competitiveness.
i guess that's why i usually enjoy preparing for exams like GP.
okay. enough about that. the results of the nus master programme should be released soon. i'm quite certain i will get in. the only issue now is if i will get the scholarship as well. but well, it's not the end of the world if i don't. and as tkm sez, he'd rather i concentrate on doing the masters than fufilling all the extra duties that are tied to recieving the award.
oh yes, i was watching "beyond tomorrow" on tv yesterday. i think it's an updated version of "beyond 2000" which is this scientific informative documentary show which i loved ever since i was a little boy. it was perhaps the first show that inspired me to want to do anything related to presenting on television. as most of you would have known, becoming a journatist was perhaps my greatest ambition probably on par with becoming a teacher. i always loved delivering speeches or presentations. i loved the how soothing articulate english sounded and was amazed at how it could really arouse attention. to me, speaking well was almost akin to dressing well. it potrayed an image of sophitication and intelligence, qualities that i've always wanted to possess. but alas, i now spend most of my day speaking without proper grammar and with relaxed pronunciation and intonation. i've lost all my "th"s, my "d"s and "t"s and what not. only when i get to present anything formally do i really make an effort to rectify all these hideous mistakes. but i guess it really isnt necessary to speak well all the time. the main reason for language to to communicate and if one can communicate with other without speaking well in the traditional sense, then i say it's okay. but ah, i wonder what the would would be like to have eveyone speaking their languages well. and in case your wondering, i'm not trying to be bigoted nor am i in any way trying to be condecending. just something i though about when thinking about what could have been.
{11:19 AM}
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Sunday, April 09, 2006
i think i'm a very competitive person by nature. VERY competitive in fact. i hate admitting defeat and to some people i seem like a very sore loser at times. yes it is true. i need a short period of time, from 5 to 10 mins to possibly even longer to get over any loss. be it a sports match, a verbal debate, a video game etc. perhaps the only loss that i can adapt to more easily would be in the academic arena.but i really do not see how this could be possible. i mean if it was really in my blood to be pumped up for any sort of duel, physical or otherwise, then it really doesnt make any sense that i should be more ready to accept defeat in only one specific field. perhaps i've come to realise that there are people who are academically better than me. but on the other hand i also do realise that there are people would be better than me in any of the other fields as well. i think it may be due to the nature of the affair at hand. i speculate that the only commonality between these areas aside from academics is the duration of the event. recreational sports matches, verbal sparring, and video game confrontations last only hours at most if not mere minutes. academics is more of a marathon. so perhaps it's not because i am not competitive, but rather, because i have very weak mental strength. a few years back, a buddy asked me to join him for a run. i told him i had not ran in 2 years and certainly was to in the form i was in the army. he said to me that he was sure i would be able to keep up with him simply because the good long distance timings i got when i was in the amry was testment to the mental tenacity i had within me. i immediately begged to differ. i think had i enough resolve and willpower, the timings i managed would have been a great deal better. i guess this really boils down to the lazy attitude i have. it's kind of a contradiction if you think about it. kinda like wanting rewards without hard work. and i guess that is the sad state of my life.
i mean how can you change something that is so intrinsicaly part of you? there really isnt a sure fix way of remedying the problem. i guess it really is one of those things that requires some sort of divine intervension or mused inspiration. and for now, neither has been available to me yet.
well what i want to say is this: if you see me sulking and remianing silent for a period of time, just let me do it, i can get over it much faster without having someone pestering me. it's a normal reaction of mine and i'm not angry with anyone other than myself.
anyway on a lighter note, jap oral exams is next wedensday morning. not exactly looking forward to it. but then again its only 10 min followed by 1 week break before my final paper as an undergraduate.
oh yes mum's bdae on wednesday. what to get her? i dont know. getting birthday presents is really such a lame thing. i guess i'd appreciate a lunch or dinner out on my birthday much more than any trinklets or presents. again, perhaps i have moved away from the incessant desire to expand my material wealth and indulged more in emotional wellbeing. or maybe i now am starting (yes only STARTING) to develop a propensity to aquire these items for myself without the need of anyone to serve it to me on a platter.
ah! i'm rambling again. ha! i really do have a tendency to do such things huh. oh well, time for dinner. itadakimasu!!
{7:16 PM}
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haha... no divine intervention needed la. just some self-revelation. i used to be really competitive too. feel lousy if i lose in anything. but soon, i'm sick of all the bad feelings after losing something, i started asking myself "WHAT'S THE POINT?"
really... what's the point in every game? the fun of playing it lasts as long as the game but the victory is only momentous.
haha... just my opinion...
Monday, April 03, 2006
there must be a sense of purpose in everything that we do. otherwise, we become mindless machines pushing dirt around. i attended a few more presentations today and i've come to realise that tkm does really instill that in his students. i think by a long stretch, the talks given by my shi-di-s and shi-mei were phenomenally better than most that i had previously attended. most students do not seem to have an inkling as to the motives of such a talk. i mean a presentation lasts for at most 45 minutes so it would be impossible for one to cover your entire thesis, and certainly that is not what is expected of students. dismally, a large proportion of my fellow students seem to treat these talks as a sort of oral examination where they present proof after proof, theorem after theorem of mathematical jargon that whilst impressive, leaves quite a sour taste in the mouth. there are even those who treat these talks as a means to pepper their egos by demonstrating to the audiences their apparent superior intellect. this is the result in insufficient training in dealing with such talks and while i believe these are important issues in cultivating a whole person, i do not think most superviors nor examiners really focus too much on these details. but tkm is one who surely does, and it certainly was thru him that i've realised so much.i believe that every presentation must begin with one and only one core concept. everything else around this is secondary and should not dilute the pressence of this topic. going into details about anything other than this core topic is a sure-fire way of doing so, for now, the listener must focus in the details, before zooming out again to look at the whole picture. i like to imagine it as taking a walk down a scenic route leading to a spectacular waterfall. if one were to look in detail at every single thing that one passes by, like the number of petals on the flower you passed, or the direction of the flow of the stream flowing beside you, then you would be so mentally drained by the time you reach the end. the best (in my opinion) way perhaps is to take in the scenery as one saunters down and stop in amazement to fully appreciate the waterfall in all it's beauty at the end.
i guess this really extends to life in general as well. if we focused on every single minute detail of our lives, we wouldnt enjoy any of it for sure. in fact, our bodies have already adapted to this by filtering out certain bits of information that reaches our brain. these filters prevent what is known as sensory overload. our sense of touch, sight, smell, taste and sound are all constantly at work but the amount of information our brains can process is limited and thus, we have evolved to develop certain filters to send only the most important messages form these senses to the brain. that is the reason why while engrossed in something we occasionally do not hear someone calling us or how after a while the smell of your colonge seems to vanish even though new people who meet you still smell it. so, really, if we were to take any lessons away from the way our bodies have adapted, this would be one of the most important. people always say we should set goals, i say we should just set A goal and forcus on that first and let everything else be secondary.
anyway, badminton and mahjong tomorrow, can life get any better than this?
{11:08 PM}
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Saturday, April 01, 2006
i think i'm addicted to sugar. without sufficient doeses of it, i deteriorate into a grumpy old coot within hours, as i have been this week. and just mere minutes after having my bowl of tang yuan followed up by a milkshake and ice cream waffle later in the day, i'm now as happy as a bird. now i know why haagen dazs strawberry ice cream works perfectly for me as a comfort food. ha!you know, i was just thinking the other day, that with this current fitness craze that's overwhelming singapore now, wouldnt it be a good idea to start up some health camp thing? get a nice place where people come to stay for months on end, they exercise according to pre planned schedules, eat according to pre planned meals and sleep at pre planned times. sounds pretty much like the army, but certainly with greater comfort. i think the main problem most people face when trying to get in shape or get fit, is the discipline issue. so why not offer a service that takes care of that for you. leave home for 3 or 4 months and return a changed person. haha. i mean once someone has paid for the thing and you're actually staying at the "camp site" say 5 days a week, you'll be practically forced to do the things that you wanted to do but always managed to find an excuse not to. it would be a great experience too if you signed up with friends. i wonder if there is such a thing anywhere in the world. i'm sure there is, but i'm wondering why the idea hasnt caught on here. (maybe it has and i'm just in the dark. ha!) so anyone with captial who wants to start a joint venture, call me!! ha!!
{11:04 AM}
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