hmm when i feel stressed or unhappy, i like to listen to kings of convenience. so here's one song now.

Cayman Islands

Through the alleyways
to cool off in the shadows
then into the street
following the water
there's a bearded man
paddling in his canoe
looks as if he has
come all the way from the cayman islands

these canals, it seems,
they all go in circles
places look the same,
and we're the only difference
the wind is in your hair,
it's covering my view, I'm
holding on to you,
on a bike we've hired until tomorrow

if only they could see,
if only they had been here
they would understand,
how someone could have chosen
to go the length I've gone,
to spend just one day riding
holding on to you,
I never thought it would be this clear

haha! there so much better. the sound of their voices is so rejuvenating.

today i went out to run some errands. took 61 back home. on the way, i noticed something quite well, for lack of a better word, interesting. 3 jc students, 2 guys 1 girl. first guy says to girl "let's go sit down" pointing towards a vacant 2 seater. girl immediately sits down on the empty seat in front of me, beside a sleeping man. the guy looks shocked and points to the empty seats behind and says "there are empty seats over there". the girl remains seated and says "it's just a short ride". guy sighs a very heavy sigh and turns around to sit on an empty seat diagonally infront of the girl with an old lady sitting to his left and a younger woman behind him. "must have been some spat between them" i thought to myself. for the next 10 minutes or so, the girl kept glancing in the direction of the first guy who never once looked back. then the ladies beside and behind the guy alighted and the guy moved to the seat next to the window, leaving the seat beside him and the one behind that empty. their thrid friend opts to sit down at the seat behind but the girl insists he sits with the other guy and she moves over to the seat behind. now diagonally behind the guy, she still glances over for a while, but his face is practically plastered to the window staring outwards. she gives up eventually and takes out her econs notes to study. and i alighted shortly after.

i guess i will never really know what went on, but it's useful to think of this anagolously. this past week, i've been feeling rather cold for some reason or another. i felt as if i've grown awfully weary of certain social situations and efforts to do anything remotely friendly with SOME people have been rather draining. so i decided that i shall not initiate anything at all, if not out of pure childishness, then simply to give myself space to breathe. but like the girl on the bus, trying to be aloof has its risks. i guess it wouldnt be too much to assume that the girl did not really want to sit seperately from the guy in the first place, but was just trying to vent her frustrations of the situation on him hoping to win an apology or something of that sort. but instead of recieving her aims, she's left high and dry, with not even a glance back from the guy. the same thing applies in this case. it takes 2 people to maintain any sort of social relationship, be it a friendship or romance. it gets so awfully tring if only 1 person has to do all the work all the time. so is it really worth it to continue persevering even after u recieve no help from the other party? that's really a question that each individual can answer only for himself/herself. for me, i've decided that it's not worth the trouble anymore.

anyway, i've heard rumors that tkm may wanna "transfer" me to lst!! crossing my fingers. ha!

{9:31 PM}

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this is so uncanny but the book i'm reading now... the girls just went to cayman islands to investigate something. and i was like.. wah.. isn't tt the kings of convenience song?

By  Gerri, at 4:35 PM  

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another long hiatus. i dont know what's up with me these days. been feeling the urge to remain by and large aloof to most people. and it's kinda pissing me off as well. oh well. talk about being volatile. maybe it's the food i'm eating. it's kind of depressing me now.

anyway, it's about 22 days to the end of NUS undergrad for me and the begining for NUS grad studies for me. i look around and i wonder if i'll enjoy grad life at all. but then again it's only 1 year so even if it sucks like hell, it wont really matter.

urrrgh i cant think straight. grilled chicken breast meat and fish for lunch and dinner is making me depressed. haha! i think i'm going to ignore alot of people this week for fear of lashing out with the acid tongue that i have. urrrggh. i dont know what else to write. maybe when i'm in a better mood. ja ne!

{11:35 PM}

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forgot to continue the previous entry. lost my trail of thought so i should not probe further.

today i was just thinking about stuff as usual, and it occured to me that i have a different set of expectations for different sets of individuals. but then i started to wonder about the rationale behind these expectations and if they were valid in the first place. i mean, it certainly is not abnormal to expect something of someone. we do it everyday. and it is because we have these expectations that on occasion, we are left disappointed. But what exactly are the reasons behind these expectations?

Perhaps some are social sterotypes that have been embedded in our ideology. Like how we expect that our other half remains faithful or that we expect that our family and friends will be there for us when we are in need. These are things that have occured in countless social circles in such a frequency that it is perhaps now deemed normal to behave only in this way. Another point of view would be that we expect things of people because we know that we would do the same for them. Like how we expect our other halves to be faithful because we would be, or how we would certainly be ready to lend a hand to a friend or family member in deed and so expect the same of them. I used to think the second reason was a good reason for our expectations because it seems fair to expect something of someone else if firstly you have expected it of yourself. But then, is it really fair to that person who has lower expectations of you that you have such lofty expectatons of him/her?

I once read somewhere that to be a good friend, we must think not of what we expect our friends to do, but rather think about what we can do for them. And I realise that all this while i've been expecting my friends to conform to this morbid preset mould that i've already created for them in my mind. I expect them to have time for me. I expect them to at least try as hard as i do in the things that we do. And really the reasons for all these expections are because I expect myself to do the same for them. And when they don't, I feel cheated and disappointed. And I start to think, "well you know, maybe they don't belong in the 'good friend' category, they more of like in the 'established aquaintance' group." pretty stupid huh, but dont kid yourself, i'm willing to bet at some stage in your life you've either consciously or subconsciously thought about such things.

but at the same time. when we feel close to someone, be it a good frend, or your better half, what is it that distinguishes them from the rest of your friends? by and large, it's the expectations you have of them. we partition people into different categories that best describes certain traits they inherently have. and as we get to know them better, they get promoted or demoted. as a child, these categories, i believe, are large groups. for instance one would have only family, friends, strangers as a means of classifying people in a 3 year old. but as we get older, we tweak and alter little things here and there than more often than not, we develop unique groups for each individual person we know, so much so that we dont actually realise we're subconsciously doing it.

ok i'm starting to drift, but my point is, sometimes we place other on a pedestal and expect them to be there, not knowing that they feel very uncomfortable in that position. even though it is a natural means by which we relate to other human beings, i feel we should spend just a little less time thinking about what others should be doing for us, and more about what we could be doing for others (cheesy but true). oh well, time for zzz. nitez!

{12:15 AM}

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hmm.. thought-provoking entry...
a fren once told me he has a meter for all the ppl around him. everyone starts off neutral... once someone is good to him, the meter will rise. but if he/she does something bad, the meter deflects to the other side. when it reaches zero, tt's time to strike the person off his frens-list.
haha... only guys can come up with something so technical to rate something so emotional like relationships...

By  Gerri, at 2:02 PM  

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i've got a badminton game in like 30 mins and here i am blogging. well i'm sure i'll still be on time. *crosses my fingers*

it's been getting really hot these days, and we're not even into the full swing of summer yet. it's times like this when i miss my air-con. come to think of it, i havent slept with it for like, 2-3 years? i havent a clue how long, but i've totally forgotten about its existance.

one more week for the medcine students and we'll have to call them DR. so and so. ha!! time really flies huh. oh well, i'm just looking forward to monday. maybe we shld get weiquan to come along to. though i'm not really sure if he wants to watch munich. speaking of which, the good thing is that they are still showing munich in the major theatres so hopefully they'll hold out for one more week!

the other day, i was at clementi ordering bubble tea (yes my cravings have come back, and the slashed prices of just 1 buck per cup certainly doesnt help). i realised that the bulk of singaporean, or at least the bulk of singaporeans ordering bubble tea then, are not the least polite. i mean, regardless of whom i'm placing an order with, i always say 'please' (unless of course i get stuck in a chinese-english translational problem in which case i may forget). and when i get my order, i ALWAYS (no exceptions this time) say 'thank you' regardless of the quality of service provided. i mean we talk about the low standards of customer service here in singapore but, really, if we dont deserve anything better. people always seem to say that retail employees always seem to treat westerners better as compared to asians or locals. i believe the main reason is not because they are more likely to purchase anything in particular, but rather, it's the manner in which they do their shopping. somehow, i always seem to feel as if we chinese feel that since we're paying for the service, we deserve and demand to be treated nicely AND that we do not have to reciprocate. this sort of master-servant mentality is really so passe in our world. i was really appalled that day because it wasnt just the older generation of people who were acting like that, you had kids, probably in primary school who did exactly the same thing. "pearl milk tea" *gives money, snatches drink, leaves*, and it certainly wasnt just 1 kid. i mean where did all the courtesy education lessons in primary school go to?

haha i guess i gotta go, but i shall continue later.

{10:22 AM}

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haha wow i really need to recount how much i've eaten today. absolutely nothing to do today (ok fine. i have stuff to do. just not the willpower to actually go through with them.) and so what do i do? i eat. woke up to cornflakes. one bowl of cocopops (mum said that it was on sale so she bought that instead of blueberry morning or banana nut crunch. dang!). and i smelt the nice scent of cooking bacon. my mum was making pasta for lunch. had a bowl and an extra helping of it. followed by a packet of last nights mee goreng. it was so hot in the afternoon, so i scoured the fridge to turn up with 2 apples, some strawberries, a mango, and 2 glasses of meji milk. then i saw old chang kee curry puffs on the table, so that went in as well followed by a craving for something sweet. so i toasted 2 of those ready made waffles and ate them with maple syrup which only made me crave for something salty now. 6 fish fingers did the trick and soon it was time for dinner. mum brought back yakitori, i think i had about 5 sticks and then another bowl of the pasta she made earlier this morning. now she's serving up jackfruit and papaya (dont ask me y i have so many different kinds of fruits in my fridge. it's a weird day today hahah.) and i still feel hungry for more pasta. and i realise that it is true. when singaporean have nothing to do. the most common thing to do is to open the fridge. even if you just rummaged through it a mere 5 minutes ago. anyway as i am typing this, i just finished the last of the pasta my mum made. but i'm craving for something sweet now. so the desert for tonight? either coconut ice cream (not so appealing) or canned rambutans with pineapples (VERY tempting) hahah!! but i realise i get really selfish when it comes to rambutans. i usually buy my own can from 7-11 and eat it all by myself. i mean i really dont see how anyone can bear to just have 4 or 5 pieces. that's just so pathetic!! haha!!

ok enough about my gluton fest! time for other things. as i watched the dissappointing tennis match between nadal and baghdatis, i skimmed through the newspapers. the queen visited some family in toa payoh. what an experience that must have been! i can just see all the neighbours getting so excited and kan cheong about the whole affair. hahahah!

on another page, one of the opposition party leaders has made the headlines again. seriously, he's been a joke of singapore every since he tried to pave his way in politics. i mean, the things he does. sigh, i mean doesnt he realise that he's being laughed at by a large proportion of singaporeans and ignored by the majority of the rest? oh well, i guess we need that kind of entertainment every now and then. HA!

no movies this weekend yet because my sis is still at work now. i wonder what she'll bring home today. ok that's it! i'm going down for my rambutans! haha sorry but i cannot share them with ya!

{9:07 PM}

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2 words... absolutely peeeegish...

By  Gerri, at 3:11 PM  

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woah it has really been quite a while since i last updated. have been really busy with stuff like mid terms and what not. had a chance to watch another good movie. 13 conversations. its a very dialogue based show, so if you are the sort that likes things to be happening all the time, this really isnt for you.

qiang's birthday is coming up and we still havent a clue what to get him yet. i was just saying to him that we will eventually resort to simply treating each other to birthday lunches like how people in the 30s or 40s do because they dont have the time to do anything else. but the idea is starting to grow on me really. i mean rather that buying something which may or may not be fully utilised by the other person (like dust collecting stuffed animals), we might as well have a decent mean together and the melange of great company, soothing ambience and sumptuous cuisine. i know i've said this about a million and a hlaf times but i'm really starting to enjoy and treasure good company and of course interesting conversations. i find cheesy small talk really superficial and mentally draining with nothing u can take away from the whole experience that would be of any value whatsoever. there is, however, a difference between small talk, and plain crap. now crap is something we could all really do with every now and then. a conversation that has no head nor tail, no meaning, no topic in particular. hell not even any sense for that matter.

my sister has gotten me to start playing fifa manager with her. yes you read it. FIFA manager. of all people, me. not exactly the biggest fan of soccer, i guess i decided to just jump on the wagon for kicks (no pun intended) but i think it's starting to grow on me althought it's a rather buggy and poorly made game. soccer matches are quite interesting afterall. i guess partially its because in the game, matchs usually last for about 10 mins real time so there really is more tension in the air. rather than smearing the effect out over 90 mins. but man, the amount of moola these people earn. sports is the way to riches man. my mum wants me to make my kid play tennis at age 2. haha we'll see about that. ta!

{5:42 PM}

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sometimes in life, you get blamed for something you did not do. or so you think. does the reciept of punishment necessarily mean that you are being blamed for the action in question? or is there another way to look at it? is it fair to punish a group of individuals simply because one cannot specifically identify the culprit(s)? these are questions that one really seldom thinks about when nothing goes awry, but really they are quite pertinent in the way we behave everyday.

quite often, we get inconvenienced because of the actions of others. for instance, teens now have a sort of restriction on the time they can spend out at night because of a specific group of teens. we dont have bubble gum in singapore because of a certain class of singaporeans who found it extrememly fun to leave remenants on mrt train doors and lift buttons. and we ask why this must happen to us for we did nothing to deserve it. it would seem like the reason would be that the authorities could not clamp down on individual offenders and hence, like broad-spectrum antibiotics, decided to target the whole class of individuals as a whole, effectively curbing the problem, while at the same time restricting the rights of the supposed innocent. but is this really fair or justified? most people would at this point say no. for sure. why should i be inconvenienced because of some other people? why should i bear the consequences when i have done nothing wrong? i i i i i. all we think about is i. if there was a time when you commented perhaps after an incident at the market, that all market aunties are mean cold and calculating, or something similar to that, then you would have done exactly the same thing. you have punished, not in the physical or even emotional sense, this group of individauls without reason. this is what we call sterotypes, and sterotyping is almost the same thing as punishment, for what has the kind auntie selling fish at a market you have never been to done to deserve your inherent disdain and disapproval? the matter of fact is, if you have at any stage, subjected an entire class of people to a form of prejudice or sterotyping, then i would say you have lost all moral highgrounds to even begin to complain abt such broad-spectrum punishments from the point of view that they affect innocent individauls such as youself. true, perhaps your action of sterotyping may not manifest itself in a form that obstruct the rights of those in question, but the fact that you have even decidely amalgamed a whole gorup of people into one, for really no good reason at all, has lost you your right to argue that en-masse punishment is morally not right because it affects the innocent. i dont know about you, but i have certainly lost it a long time ago.


anyway, i hopped over to the tv last night to catch my mum watching another dvd. it was titled [something the lord made]. and immediately i thought to myself, why in the world is she watching something religious like that? but as i watched on, i realised the story was not based on anything remotely spiritual in nature. it was a story about this african american carpenter who put down his tools to work with a young white doctor in johns-hopkins hopsital in the early 1900s (did i get the name right gerri?). and depicts the social and racial tensions of that era. based on a true story, it traces the roots of cardiac surgey to the very begining, with the blue baby operation. if you get the chance, go read up about it, or watch the show. the production is not spectacular, but nonetheless interesting and well presented. the issues raised are highlighted in a clear clean and thought provoking manner.

ok i've gotta run. japanese class awaits me. ciao!

{9:27 AM}

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think no hyphen... johns hopkins hospital... the one in US right?

By  Gerri, at 10:39 PM  

haha... ya that one... one of the supposed best places to go and study medicine rite... haha

By  20 sec interval... fire!!, at 12:34 PM  

haha... apparently cos crime rate's the highest there, so got lots of cadavres to dissect and lotsa emergency med experiences to gain. haha... dun quote me though...

By  Gerri, at 4:47 PM  

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