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Wednesday, January 04, 2006
had quite a fun game of badminton today... singles as usual... cos spencer is on attachment... haha why my default partner always so busy one ah... hahaha... isnt it cool when u play with someone and the mo qi is just there naturally? haha

anyway played singles again... haha and i lost to francis again... 3 sets... i wonder when the last time i beat him was... which brings me to the point i was highlighting to roon last night on msn... i think i'm mentally very weak... like when i'm running long distance or running a race... i tend to give in to the negative thoughts of giving up more than i shld... i guess the same applies for badminton... haha i mean... in the second set i caught up from 9-2 to 11-11 and won it 15-13.. and in the third it was only 9-6 when i started to feel like 3 points difference is such a BIG gap that it would be impossible to catch up... why do i feel liddat? honestly i dunno... but i noe i feel damn horrible when i think abt how little willpower i have sometimes... haha oh well...

u noe how it is when u really dun like a person... and when he'she appears... u immediately look away and the though "omg why is he/she here" passes through ur mind and inadvertably ur facial muscles as well? yeah it happens to me with a few people... these people i'd rather not spend time with... y? because i get drawn into a vortex of negative emotions... haha seriously... i start by feeling digust toward their every action their every sentence... and i show my displeasure... then after a while i feel guilty for being so mean... and make an effort to be nice... haha and that really is the worst part... i'm nice to them cos i'm guilty... urrrggh!!! it really irks me... how i wish i could be indifferent... i have no idea how i managed to do it with soem people but not with others...

i guess if u really know me... i think i'm a pretty difficult person to get along with... i think i demand too much from other people... and sometimes i dun even have the moral high ground to make such demands in the first place... and here i am complaining abt other people being elitist... i'm such a contradiction... i hate people who act all high and mighty cos they went to some us university to study... and then i think abt whether i've also been as bigotted in a smaller sense... and the truth i cannot deny... i admit i have had very elitist feelings once in a while... i dun make it known but i feel that way and its just as bad... maybe its getting lesser as i move on in life... maybe it'll eventually terminate... i dunno...but for now... i'll eat a meal less if i every have such thoughts again... i dun want to end up being and another one like the person i dun like... the world doesnt need me to be like that as well...

haha another thing i want to say is that... never once in my life have i expected someone to understand why i behave the way i do... i mean sure i can explain to u if u want to know... but will you ever really experience things the way i did or do? i really dun expect people to excuse me for things that i do or say just cos my past has affected me in this way... i always try to accept people's traits without trying to understand y they behave like that... and if i cannot accept they way they behave then even if there are reason behind them... i really dun believe in being more sympathetic... i mean isnt that really wat frendship is about... about totally accepting a person and accepting most of his behavioral traits without the need for reason? haha just some random thoughts... hahaha it's a gloomy day and my back hurts again... urrrggh... time to stretch it...

{5:42 PM}

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